Edward the Moody Housewife Chronicles
by HerNameWasApril
Summary: Everyone Knows Edward is Like a Moody Housewife. So Now He is One! What a Joyous Time it'll Be as Housewife Edward Deals With Issues From the Cullen Kids! Not Sure if I'm Going to Continue... Leave Feedback if I Should or Not
1. Emmett, the Football, and the Casserole

**Message From the Author: Don't Get Me Wrong Edward is One of My Favorite Characters! But Seriously... Even Those Who Are Insanly in Love With Edward Have to Admit He's Like a Moody Housewife.  
This is Dedicated to My Friend, Denise! I Know She Really Loves Bad Ass Edward & He's Definitely the Opposite of Bad Ass in This But I Hope She Still Gets a Laugh Outta it :D  
And Now a Special Guest to Give the Disclaimer! Oh, Jasper!!!!  
Jasper: Yes, My Love?  
I Need You to Tell All the People Out There That I Don't Own the Characters or Twilight, But That I Do Own the Idea of This Story.  
Jasper: You Kinda Just Told Them That...  
*Evil Glare* Get Back in Your Cage  
Jasper: *Nods* On it!  
And Now I Hope You Enjoy the Story 8D**

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"Come on, Jazz, please!" Emmett pleaded to his blonde brother.

Jasper turned around annoyed, "No, Emmett! I refuse to play football with you! Just go play with yourself!"

*Crickets*

"That's what she said!" called a high, perky voice from the pixie vampire who was now running down the stairs to join her beloved.

"Seriously, Jasper. That sounded really odd."

If vampires could blush he would have, "So I had a bad choice of words there! But whatever! Just go play football by yourself! Come on, Alice" he said talking her hand and going up the stairs while she repeatedly waved goodbye to her bear of a brother.

"Rose," he sniffled.

"She's out hunting. You know that, Emmett," called Edward from the kitchen.

Emmett's mouth dropped as he walked into the kitchen and saw his brother in a floral apron, "Edward! What are you doing!?"

He was positioned over a bowl, stirring it with a giant, wooden spoon, "I'm just making a casserole."

Even Emmett, who loved trying everything and barely thought anything out thought that was stupid, "Why?! We don't eat!"

Edward waved the spoon at him, "Get out of my kitchen right now! Go outside and just get away from me while I'm fixing this!"

"Fine!" Emmett said, glad to get away from the extremely feminine house wife-ish Edward. "Guess I'll just have to kick the football around myself." He started off nice and slow, at a human pace, but as he started getting more into it the foot ball was being kicked around at an extremely fast pace, even for a vampire. Suddenly the speed got out of control and the football went flying, straight through the window, and straight into a very angry vampire's now ruined casserole.

"Uh oh," cried Jasper and Alice as Emmett walked in like a frightened little puppy.

If it was possible Edward would've had steam blowing out of his ears from his anger.

Emmett backed away from the extremely terrifying creature before him, "Look, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"

But Edward kept advancing, "You ruined my casserole! Do you know how long I've been slaving over a hot stove for that? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!"

All three stood wide eyed at him. "Since when was Edward such a trans?" Jasper questioned his wife.

"Well he does sparkle," she answered. **(A/N: Super Smart, Alice. So Does Your Husband. Well He'll Be My Husband Soon Enough...)**

That was the last straw for him. He slammed down his now clenched fists down onto the counter, crushing it. Edward's face fell then, **(A/N: He Looked Like This- D:) **as he looked upon the remains of his counter. He fell to his knees and brought his hands up to his face burying them. "First my casserole and now this!!"

Alice and Emmett turned to Jasper, "He's a wreck! Try fixing it!"

"Um… Um…" he stuttered trying to use his powers to calm the distressed Edward unsuccessfully, "It won't work."

"Well he's acting like a moody housewife," Alice stated.

"Yeah, so?" Emmett questioned.

Her face lit up, "I know just how to calm a moody housewife!" She immediately ran out the door leaving the two boys with an Emo-ing Edward.

Jasper tried shaking him, "Come on, Ed. It's alright."

"No it's not!" he cried, curling up further into a ball.

"You try, Em! It's your fault he's like this!"

"Why don't you play your piano or something?"  
"I don't wanna!"

"Oh dear lord, Alice. Come back soon," they both prayed.

Thankfully she returned ten minutes later with something hidden behind her back. "Oh, Edward. I've got something for you." His head perked up as she revealed a glorious box of chocolates. She handed them to his waiting hands and watched victoriously as he gobbled them down.

"But how will that work?" Jasper and Emmett thought aloud.

In an instant Edward sprang up gathering them in a hug, dry sobbing, "I love you guys so much! I'm sorry I acted like that!"

Chocolates always equal success.

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**And That's the End of the First Chapter!  
So What Do You Think? Good, Bad? Amazing, Retarded? Please Tell Me!  
But Even if You People Don't Like it I'm Gonna Keep Writing it Cuz I Have Some Good Ideas For Alice & Jasper to Mess With Our Favorite Housewife D  
So Bye Bye For Now!!**


	2. Alice, Shopping, and the Credit Cards

**Welcome to Chapter 2!  
This One is Dedicated to My Friend, Jackie, Who Gave Me the Idea of Alice Maxing Out All the Credit Cards! So Thanks Jackie :D  
Alright, Jasper, come and Do Your Job.  
Jasper: April Doesn't Own Any of the Characters or Twilight. She Just Owns the Story...  
*Glare*  
Jasper: And Me!  
That's Right! Now Enjoy!  
**

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"Jazz, come on! Hurry up with those bags!" Alice called to her husband who had been transformed from vampire to pack mule.

He sighed, trying not to get annoyed with her, "Calm down, Alice. There're a lot of bags okay."

"There's not that many," she insisted.

He looked at her seriously, "I'm carrying 20 and there's another 20 still out in your Porsche."

"Exactly! It's under 50! Not a lot at all!" Alice said, perkily, before bouncing up stairs to wait for Jasper to bring her all of her things.

He shook his head knowing he wouldn't be able to deny any request his wife had. Suddenly something was dumped over his head and he shook the objects from his honey hair.

"What the hale!?" he exclaimed looking at the oats on the ground.

Beside him was a goofily grinning Emmett, "What, I was doing a kind gesture by giving the poor, abused, overworked pack mule some well deserved nourishment."

Jasper's mouth fell down, "Wow, Emmett. That was very descriptive. And such a big word for you," he put down the bags and started clapping.

Rosalie walked out then and gave Emmett her, _Were you being an idiot again?_ look. "What're you two doing."

"Shopping with Alice," Jasper replied before realizing she was waiting and rushing up the stairs. In an instant he was back down and to the car to get the other bags.

As he ran by Emmett questioned aloud, "Holy chicken! How much did she buy?"

"40 bags worth. She charged it all."

"Whatever," Rosalie replied, "Hey, where's Edward?"

"Don't know," they both answered.

The couples went about their business normally until a scream was heard from down in the kitchen. Immediately they all gathered to see Edward holding a piece of paper in his hands.

"What's wrong, Edward?" Alice asked, worried.

He slammed the paper down on the table, "You, Alice!"

She was taken aback by his reaction and stepped back into Jasper's arms. "What do you mean me?"

"You went shopping today, didn't you?"

"I go shopping all the time!"

Edward's nostrils seemed to flare, "You maxed out all 10 of your credit cards!"

Rosalie and Emmett both turned their heads at the now silent Alice, who was taking everything in.

"B-But we have enough money to pay for everything! I don't see what the big deal is!"

He didn't listen to her explanation and started on his rant, "This is such a disappointment, Alice! Do you think money grows on trees?!"

"Well," Emmett started, "Technically money is made out of paper, which is made from trees."

Edward glared at him, "Do _not_ interrupt me while I'm lecturing! Now, what're we going to do with you, Alice? You obviously can't take responsibility for anything if you can't go shopping by yourself without maxing everything out!"

"I wasn't alone, Jasper went with me," she replied.

"So it's your fault! You weren't keeping an eye on her and making sure she got a reasonable amount of things!" Edward yelled.

"Could you be anymore ridiculous? We have enough money, so just get over it!"

"Don't talk back to me! Now go to the corner!" he ordered.

Jasper stared at him with defiance, "I'm not listening to your orders."

"GO TO THE CORNER NOW!" he yelled and Jasper ran to it.

"Jasper's in the emo corner," Rosalie mocked.

"Rose!" Edward turned to her, "Go to the other corner!"

"I don't think so!" she yelled back, "Thanks a lot, Alice!"

"That's right," Edward agreed, "You need to be punished."

"But don't you want to know what I bought?" he was silent as she ran and brought the items back presenting them to Edward, "More chocolates and a romance novel."

The chocolates power is unmatched.

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**Everytime You Don't Review Jasper is Sent to the Emo Corner. CUT THE PAIN AWAY JASPER!  
So I Suggest You Review.  
Next Chap is Gonna Be Bella!**


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